He Is Proud.

"Has it crossed your mind that I am proud you accepted the gift of faith I offered you? Proud that you freely chose Me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord? Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven't given up? Proud that you believe in Me enough to try again and again? Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting Me? I want you to know how grateful I am when you pause to smile and comfort a child who has lost her way. I am grateful for the hours you devote to learning more about Me; for the word of encouragement you passed on to your burnt-out pastor; for your visit to the shut-in; for your tears for the retarded. What you did to them, you did to Me. Alas, I am sad when you do not believe that I have totally forgiven you or you feel uncomfortable approaching Me."

 -Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

And it hits me all the same as I read this passage for about the 30th time. He's...proud? The creator of the universe...my Abba Father....the Beginning and End is proud...of ME?

No no, NO NO NO way is this right. This isn't the case. This can't be...can it? As I weave in and out of the days circulating down to just one more month here in Jinja, I hear the bold whisper of,

"COME BACK TO ME!"

...and I shut Him out. 

"COME BACK TO ME, MY CHILD! Beloved, please. I'm proud of YOU! You're forgiven. Love keeps no record of wrongs, my sweet. I have forgotten all of your blemishes because I just want you in all of your brokenness; in all of your sin. I just want you back."

...and still I drown Him out.

Because who wants to believe that someone so big and so capable of holding the whole entire world could love me through me own pride. Could be PROUD of me through my own pride. Can't seem possible. It isn't. It can't be.

But it is.

As Caroline asks me what I want out of my next month here in Africa with her, I can only think of how much more time I want with my Father. I know that some days I wake up only to just block Him out again…sometimes I’m too afraid to come to Him because I know I’m transparent when it comes to my Daddy and I know that sometimes my intentions aren’t always sincere. But He doesn’t care. And He doesn’t care because He knows the depths of my heart and He knows that way down deep I want Him; I desire to know Him. And that is because I made the decision to follow Him and that is because I sacrificed so very little after He sacrificed so much. And yet He looks at me, every little scar and says,

“Kels…it’s you I’m proud of”

And it’s honestly that phrase that makes me never want to shut Him out. It’s the cross that today I’m so much more attentive to that I just only want to weep at. Sometimes we feel as though we must have this raging passion every day to spend time with our Dad. And when it’s not there, and the mountains are out of sight because were so lowly in the dirt, we pray for direction. We pray for the passion and the fire to return, but today that’s not what I pray for because today I remember that I am only flesh. So today I pray that even when it’s not my deepest desire to follow Him to my tree or follow Him to the cross…that I will anyway. And that each day whether it be a sprint to Him or walking with a crutch-that I will seek Him. And that He will teach me how to love Him better, and love Him most, and love Him first.

It’s crazy to think that sometimes when I wake up not wanting Him as crazy as He wants me that He’s still proud. He’s still yearning. And He’s still there. If only we could all see how proud He is of us. For taking the step only…and letting Him lead us into freedom.

Something painful was brought to my attention and while I won’t mention specifics I will sink knee deep in the sand. Lord that you will take this pain and take hold of the inflictor’s hearts and my own and weave them BOTH closer to You.

And to continue on with the spontaneity of this writing I will end on an even more sporadic note of asking if you guys are stuck on Friday? Are you stuck so far deep into the crucifixion that you have forgotten the cross? That you have forgotten that the tomb has been closed but the resurrection has occurred? Well if your answer is yes than your empathetic heart can match mine as I am yelling for any subtle reminder that I am no longer nailed down to my sin; that I am FORGIVEN. And so are you.

Writing this has made me thirsty so as I drink up His word and drink some water from my camelback to my right I pray for you, my friends and family, and pray that you would know that this freedom He talks about is reoccurring and new and that no matter what you do and who you disappoint…He is proud of you. He is so dang proud.


Peace and love my friends,
Kelsey